Intro (Click to reveal)

Rusty Quill Presents:

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End Intro

(Cassette tape is inserted into a tape recorder)

(Recorder clicks on)

(Mark clears his throat)

Cole

Okay, say it again.

Mark

(Sigh) You really want me to say it again?

Cole

Yeah, come on, just say it for the tape.

Mark

(Sigh) Reign in that hyperfixation for a moment - we need to have a talk about the podcast. We might have a problem.

Cole

Okay, first off, you say it like being focused is a bad thing.

Now secondly, I could obviously tell you wanted to have a talk about the podcast when you stormed in here saying, "Cole! We need to have a chat about the podcast, we might have a problem." So, could you do me a favor and just say it like you did the first time for the tape so I can get a little behind-the-scenes drama?

Mark

Okay, okay... fine.

Cole

People love drama.

Mark

Cole, we need to have a chat about the podcast. We might have a problem.

Cole

Oh, no! A problem you say? Well, never fear - where there's a problem, there's a solution!

Mark

Look, okay, jokes aside, we actually might have a bit of a problem here.

Cole

Okay, okay. Do tell, what's the problem?

Mark

Have you ever heard of another podcast called The Opus Archives? *

Cole

Of course. Everyone's heard of The Opus Archives.

Mark

Okay. So, there's a character in the podcast called Tom.

Cole

What about Tom?

Mark

Cole... (Sigh) I sound exactly like Tom.

Cole

No you don't!

Mark

No, seriously - I sound exactly like Tom!

Cole

So, what? You think people are going to get you and Tom mixed up?

Mark

I dunno, maybe... (Sigh)

Cole

Mark, could you state for the tape, and very clearly please -

Mark

(Overlapping, sighing) Oh, god...

Cole

- For everyone listening, what your name is.

Mark

Hi, I'm Mark LeBeouf.

Cole

And who are you not?

Mark

And I am not Tom.

Cole

Problem solved!

Mark

(Sigh) Maybe I'm just being a stress case, but what if... right, what if the guy who made The Opus Archives... what if he thinks we're trying to copy them?

Cole

Oh, come on. Copy them?

Mark

I'm just worried that they're gonna get mad at us, and think we're trying to steal their thunder.

Cole

Hm...

(Clothing rustles)

Cole (Cont.)

I wonder if you actually are Tom...

Mark

(Scoffs) I-I'm sorry, what?

Cole

Mark... you've been Tom this whole time, haven't you?

Mark

I... admit nothing.

Cole

You will tell the truth, or I'll pry it from your dead, cold fingers.

Mark

Even in death, I defy you, m'lord.

Cole

(Funny voice) There are things worse than death...

Mark

And, pray tell, what would those things be?

Cole

I could put you on the internet as a fraud!

(Mark gasps)

Cole (Cont.)

And I'll take a sample of Tom from The Opus Archives and a recording of you, compare the wavelengths - or the spectrograph, or whatever - and forensically prove that you are in fact Tom and not Mark and never were Mark!

Mark

You. Wouldn't. Dare!

Cole

Oh, wouldn't I? You're nothing but an impostor, bud!

Mark

Look, not to change the subject, but what is the name of the guys who made that podcast?

Cole

I think the director is a guy named - (Static)

Mark

How funny would it be, if - (Static) - did, like, literally just that. And, I dunno, felt particularly petty one day, and compared the podcasts, and tried to prove that - somehow through a confluence of factors - that the shows were in fact, like, too similar for his liking.

Cole

Imagine feeling that much ownership over a framing device that's been used in one iteration or another since War of the friggin' Worlds, man.

Mark

I literally just watched Session 9, that 2001 film, fella finds and listens to nine cassette tapes - you know how it goes. It's literally the whole movie.

Cole

Yeah, and what about The Black Cassette Tapes? ** You ever listen to that? It came out a year before The Opus Archives. I doubt the people making The Black Cassette Tapes were freaking out over The Opus Archives. And lo and behold, both of them are cashing those checks.

(Recorder clicks off)

* Transcriber's Note: 'The Opus Archives' is a parody of The Magnus Archives, a podcast written by Jonathan Sims and directed by Alexander J. Newall, and distributed by Rusty Quill. The parody is a reference to the latin phrase 'magnum opus'.

** Transcriber's Note: 'The Black Cassette Tapes' is a reference to The Black Tapes, a podcast created by Paul Bae and Terry Miles, and hosted by Alex Reagan.

Outro (Click to reveal)

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Tiny Terrors is an anthology horror podcast produced by Pulp Audio, and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

This episode was directed by Cole Weavers, with sound production and editing by Mike LeBeau.

To find additional information, or to join our Patreon for additional content and ad-free episodes, visit our website www.tinyterrorspod.com.

Follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @TinyTerrorsPod.

Or join the Pulp Audio Discord by clicking the link in the description below.

Rate and review us on Spotify and Apple.

And finally, thanks for listening.

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End Outro